Mantra for 2019 ~ Slow Down

    Ever since I was a young girl, I've been in a hurry... But I'm almost never late. Being late gives me severe anxiety. Being almost late gives me severe anxiety. Being less than 30 minutes early gives me severe anxiety... I blame most of this on my father who was constantly saying "Hurry, hurry, hurry".  Time was money to him and he didn't have any to waste.
   
     I also take pride in being on time. I feel like it is a great characteristic to have. But this isn't about being on time. This is about life. This is about comparing my timeline to others. I need to slow down.

     I feel guilty for not wanting to be a mother.  Pregnancy announcements don't excite me. I see all the responsibility and lack of sleep instead of the unconditional love people will have for their child. I think of all the experiences I would miss out on if I were pregnant or a new mother. I see acquaintances and friends on social media with their children, so happy and proud. But I cannot picture myself in their shoes. Not yet. It's just not my time. I fear that time won't come. But I also don't see why that is a bad thing. I need to slow down.

     I've also struggled with depression caused by seeing my classmates achieve their educational goals. I have never wanted something bad enough to sit through a class I absolutely did not need. I would stare out the window of classrooms and daydream about what else I could be doing. I blame this on the small town that raised me. As soon as I left and saw there was so much more to the world, I was hooked. I'm even more in love with travel now than ever. I took a different path. That's all there is to it. I decided to run like hell with my twenties instead of finishing school and starting a career. I don't want to live my life hating work and living for the weekend. I want to be genuinely happy. If I have to be a server for the rest of my life to be able to do the things I want, so be it. This is where I need to stop comparing myself to others. I live a life people would kill for and I'm starting to realize that. I need to slow down.

       A wise woman told me to stop borrowing trouble. I worry about what will happen 10, 20, 30 years down the road instead of being present. Instead of being thankful and humble, I am a nervous wreck concerning the future. Why? I have no idea. I've always done it. I'm a planner. I like to know what is going to happen. I do not like surprises. I need to slow down.

        So here I am writing this so maybe at the end of the year I can read it and ask myself if I really slowed down. Was I really present and thankful? Hopefully. Hopefully, I can be happy for people with where they are in their timeline and work on mine in peace. And maybe someone else will read this and not feel so guilty for feeling the way I feel. Life is a wonderful journey and I am so excited to enjoy this year with every inch of my free spirit. After 27 years, I am ready to slow down.

                                     HAPPY 2019 -Syd